evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
