if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
