you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
