Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
