I think I died a long time ago.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
