I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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