You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
