Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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