So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
