just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
