I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
