Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Life without a bra equals bliss.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
