You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
