Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
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i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
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Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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