dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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