The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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