I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
