dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
