It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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