I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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