you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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