I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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