she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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