its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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