I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My bed smells like the plague
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
