im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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