Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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