I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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