zippers are such a cool invention
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
