I want to have your abortion
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
