I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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