HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
