Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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