my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I party with great urgency now.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
