M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
