There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
