I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
