i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We're too hungover to prance.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Pants are for mortals
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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