new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
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Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
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In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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