So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
