i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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