i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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