I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize