I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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