It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
