Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
