why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You are the jesus of drinking
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
