You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
