Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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