Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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