I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
