So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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