Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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