Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
