I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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