I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
