upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
