dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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