Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
They took my balls.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
